Scorecard

Garden Fields Cricket Club Men of Fields v Manland on Thu 19 May 2016 at 6pm
Garden Fields Cricket Club Won by 6 wickets

Match report JontyTime and the tale of Tesco: How every little helped

“Yes, but did you win?” asked MoFfle Jock, impatiently pacing his virtual floor on WhatsApp ….

Did we win? Did we win?! Of course we won …. 1. Is the Pope a Catholic? 2. Does Smashie sh*t in the

woods? (A: 1. Yes, he is, and 2. Yes, I do).

On Thursday 19 th May 2016, the record will show that Garden Fields CC not only pillaged and

conquered MANLAND, but left it with a few unpleasant bruises that will take some explaining to

loved ones.

Sporting Gladiators, including the inexplicably named TESCO, SUB-ZERO and U-BOAT, went home

broken men. In their place, new heroes emerged - CHUKKA, DESMOND and DOVER to the fore, hoist

aloft, with some difficulty, by their supporting colleagues.

No MoF gave an inch, All MoFs took a mile - in pursuit of a famous victory that would have had

complete strangers in the crowd hugging one another …. had such a crowd existed.

But let’s retreat from these scenes of delirium to two hours earlier ….

[FLASHBACK …. FLASHBACK … FLASHBACK ….. “TWO HOURS EARLIER …….”]

After a brief and typically “confidence-draining” warm up of catching and bowling practice, the MoFs

took to the field. It was to prove a Stop-Start innings from the men of MANLAND …

Jonty and and Leslie opened the bowling, the former in particular hitting a fine line and length from

the outset. Five overs came and went, 20 on the board. And then suddenly, the pressure of the

occasional dot ball told - the opposition lost 2 quick wickets. The first, a run out begun by comedy

running - and finished emphatically by inspired fielding. The second, an unplayable delivery from the

by now rampant and hostile Leslie to finish his spell.

It proved the story of the innings – sustained pressure, reinforced by enthusiastic (if often insincere)

clapping and earthy, guttural encouragement from team mates led bowlers to believe that the prize

of a wicket was always within their grasp. By contrast, batsmen came to believe they were

imprisoned by the vice-like grip of da “MoF-ia”.

And yet … and yet … the opposition slowly accumulated. Desmond softened up the opposition with a

first ball beamer, but wickets came there none. Then came the turning point of the match!

In the standard unit of time in the Knapp household – JontyTime – the key moment lasted about 2

hours. Back in the real world, it lasted 2 seconds. I’m still talking about the cricket, by the way.

[Insert your own fnarr joke here]

The fearsome MANLAND batsman, Sub-Zero, lowered the temperature by smashing a shot high and

wild into the air towards the mid-wicket boundary. For Jonty, standing under his rapidly arriving

moment of glory, the smell of fear was all-consuming, even at a distance. HE COULD NOT MOVE!

Fortunately, HE DID NOT HAVE TO! When the ball finally nestled safely in the comfort of Jonty’s

bread basket, it knew it had come home to Papa. The wild celebrations of Jonty’s team mates were

tempered only by resentment that Jonty STILL WOULD NOT MOVE: all MoFs had to puff and wheeze

their way to the boundary ropes to celebrate their new hero’s finest moment.

Thereafter, the wickets fell in a flurry, a combination of suicidal run outs and a pair of inspired

stumpings by the almost-ever alert Postie. His 2 moments of glory, however, were the sandwich in a

comedy filling of a 3 rd inexplicably missed run out. Postie had the ball in his hands with both batsmen

stranded at his end. All that was needed was a throw to the bowlers end ….

But … But ….

Postie was suddenly struck by the remaining waftings of JontyTime. He chose to have a think about

the run out …. considered the matter of the possibility of a run out some more … before finally

deciding it wasn’t really worth it all. Had we had “The Jumper” that evening, Postie would surely

have worn it home for this moment, in spite of his otherwise flawless performance. Another

honourable “Jumper” mention must go to TPO who bowled a ball SO WIDE that the umpire declared

a Dead Ball, wrongly assuming it to be a final practice throw down to extra cover.

MANLAND somehow reach 101 for 8 at the end of the 20 overs (there was much MoF muttering on

how they managed to reach 3 figures) and there followed a short intermission ….

[FLASH FORWARD … FLASH FORWARD … FLASH FORWARD … ]

Wilks strode to the wicket and ….

[NOT THAT FAR FORWARD …. BACK A BIT ….]

[FLASH BACK A BIT …. FLASH BACK A BIT … FLASH BACK A BIT]

Dover and Leslie strode to the wicket and their intentions were bold and clear – to re-write the rules

of one day cricket with a completely original range of newly invented strokes. Over the course of the

next 20 minutes, they invented between them …

THE AIRY TICKLE, THE REVERSE AIRY TICKLE, THE INNER THIGH GLANCE, THE REVERSE OUTER THIGH

THIGH WAFT, THE OVER THE BOWLER “PLOP” (BOTH MID-ON AND MID-OFF), to name but a few.

In addition, it felt as though the JontyTime magic dust was still sprinkled on the field as the

MANLAND fielders failed to lay their hands on any these newly invented and largely air-bound shots.

There were also several other more conventional and fine strokes, before Dover finally fell victim to

a rasping catch on the boundary ropes. Leslie, in spite of an obvious reluctance to break into even a

trot between the wickets, continued to accumulate steadily. He was assisted by a murderous

contribution from Desmond, including one six that went so far and high over the trees that it was

later recorded as a drone strike by local air traffic controllers.

With several overs to go, we were within stroking distance of our winning target. Leslie and

Desmond retired and at this point and the remaining MoFs decided (deliberately, of course) to

dangle the cruel carrot of hope under the bloodied noses of MANLAND by slowing down the stroke

rate and finding new and entertaining ways to lose their wickets.

But Wilks held firm to the end and his partners each chipped in with their modest contributions. And

as Tesco and his vanquished and ill-named team mates will know by now, every little helped on the way to a famous victory……

Garden Fields Cricket Club Men of Fields Batting
Player Name RunsMB4s6sSRCtStRo
extras
TOTAL :
2w 3b 1lb 
for 4 wickets
6
106		        
Ben Walker Caught  19 11 3 172.73
Alan Crowther Not Out  29 16 4 181.25
Keegan Fourie Not Out  29 11 2 2 263.64
Nizam Memon Caught  1 2 50.0
Paul Wilkinson Not Out  13 8 1 162.50
Trevor Merriden Caught  6 4 1 150.0
Simon Shepard Caught  0 1 0
David Clamp Not Out  1 1 100
Nick Knapp  
Martin Ferguson  
Stephen Nicklin  
Mark Hamblin  

Manland Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
No records to display.

Manland Batting
Player name RMB4s6sSR
extras
TOTAL :
8w  
for 7 wickets
8
102 (20.0 overs)		     
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

Garden Fields Cricket Club Men of Fields Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Nick Knapp3.001100.003.67
Alan Crowther3.001628.005.33
Keegan Fourie3.00515.001.67
Simon Shepard3.001600.005.33
Paul Wilkinson3.001500.005.00
Martin Ferguson1.00800.008.00
David Clamp3.002345.757.67
Ben Walker1.00800.008.00